Thursday, 12 March 2009
A month ago, on Valentines Day, he decided to end it, and I haven't been able to update or even read this blog, or any love story blog.
I promised my self ages ago that I will never fall in love, no one is worth it, and I just can't handle the pain. Then I met him. He was perfect, everything about him was perfect, and I loved him with every inch of my being. I let go of my "never fall in love" stuff and fell deep and hard for him. I loved the way his hands would caress my hands. I loved the way his eyes looked at me. I loved his voice, the way he laughed, his beautiful smile, his smell, his body, his everything.
I gave him my heart and everything that went with it and now its over. Writing this is probably the hardest thing to do, because I have been trying to forget him and I just cant. 26 days of heart wrenching pain, crying when I wake up and crying when I sleep. For a whole week every little thing made my eyes tear, now its just when I remember him I cry.
I tried to forget him, think of all his negatives, but to me there was none, I never found anything negative about him. Sometimes I'll be walking and I smell his cologne and the tears just flood my eyes. Or i'll be listening to music, and the song reminds me of the days we were together and I feel its hard to breathe.
I am trying to finish this post before anyone wakes up cuz with every letter I type the tears just keep flowing.
I miss him so much, sometimes I seem to be laughing and having a good time, but deep down inside I feel like someone is squeezing my heart.
I tried to delete our and his pictures off my computer and my phone but I cant get my self to do it. Although I stopped looking at them to minimize the pain, I cant delete them. No matter how much I'm itching for it, I stopped watching the video I made for our 2 year anniversary. I put pictures we had together, and some of us alone, and at the end videos that he didn't know I made with the song "Hadeya" by rashid playing in the background.
I tried everything to forget. I surrounded my self with my friends, I went shopping, started cooking again, dressed up and went out,but nothing is working! NOTHING!
I MISS HIM! I miss his txt msgs, I miss hearing his voice, I miss knowing that he loves me. I know we'll never get back together, I am trying to not get my hopes up. Its already been a month, so I will try to forget. Maybe there will come a day when I can delete his old messages on my fone, or his pictures, and maybe there will come a day when I won't cry thinking of him. I highly doubt its anytime soon.
Friday, 13 February 2009
He slowed down when he got close to my house, I held his hand harder, I couldn’t imagine letting go of it, not knowing whether we’ll ever be together again. I didn’t even know what to tell him when I left, should I just say bye? It was nice being your girlfriend, call me when you need anything. I was so confused, I couldn’t even think straight.
I put my head back on the headrest, closed my eyes and put our intertwined hands on my heart. I felt the car come to a stop, but I wasn’t ready to open my eyes just yet, I didn’t even think my legs could carry me all the way up to my room.
We both turned and looked at each other, I saw the tears in his eyes and I knew he was holding them back. In our two years this is the third time I saw him tear up, and every single time it happened it broke my heart, because I knew it was my fault.
“I … I …don’t, I think ...baby ..” I was stammering, I had no idea what I was going to say, I could barely speak, I was trying to hold my sobs back, it was getting harder with every second that passed. He wasn’t saying anything, typical of him, he usually keeps everything in, but this was the end how could he stay quiet I needed to hear his voice.
“Say something” I told him
“I love you” he said
I couldn’t handle it any more, he saw me moving towards him and he didn’t stop me. When our lips touched it felt like we were meant to be together, how could his father not understand. We kissed with a passion I had never felt before. His hands were caressing my face, his lips moved from my lips to my crying eyes.
There was nothing more to say. I kissed his head, and smiled and got out of the car. I walked into the house not looking back, but knowing he was still there.
Thank God no one was home. I don’t think I could fake smile and tell my mother about my day, or argue with my brother. I paced around my room for a while not knowing who to call, usually he was the one I called when I was going through a rough time.
I knew what I needed, I just couldn’t believe the craving I had for it, it’s been two years since I had a smoke, and right now I was itching for one, for anything to get him off my mind. I went into my brother’s room and found an open pack and took a cigarette out. I was contemplating whether to smoke it in his room or in my own room when my phone beeped. It was a message from him, “Remember your promises to me, don’t break them just because we’re not together”.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
“We need to meet up” Talal said. His voice was full of stress, like he was holding something back. I wanted to know what was going on, I had a vague idea but I didn’t want it to come true.
“I’m not in the mood of seeing people, I’ll be ready in 10 minutes, come pick me up lets just cruise.” I told him.
10 minutes later I get txt message “I’m outside baby”
I grab my bag, the CD I made him and run out of the door into his car. I quickly give him a kiss on the check and put the CD in and grab his hand. I love being with him, as soon as I am around him a sense of security and safety surrounds me. I know it sounds really gay but it’s true, I have never felt so in love before.
We drove around aimlessly for half an hour, neither of us talking, just listening to James Morrison over and over again. I looked over at him and my heart jumped a little, it has been two years and every time I looked at him I still got the butterflies in my stomach. “I love him, I love him, I love him” I kept thinking, and I pulled up his hand and gave each finger a kiss.
He turned to look at me, “baby …” I saw the pain in his eyes and I didn’t want to hear what he was about to say. I looked away from him but he held my chin and turned my face towards him. “7ayati….” I heard his voice falter, I willed him to stopped talking, I closed my eyes not wanting to look into the pain of his eyes, “I talked to my father, and he said no. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry….”
I felt the air being knocked out of me, I couldn’t breathe, it hurt to breathe. Jagged pieces of glass were embedded in my chest. NO NO NO I DIDN’T HEAR HIM RIGHT, its not over, it can’t be over! I felt the hot tears welling up in my eyes, I willed them not to start falling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to hurt him more than he was hurting.
My heart was beating so hard I thought it would break my ribs and fall right out.
I opened my eyes, one at a time, trying to hold my breath so I wouldn’t cry. I took one long look at him and the tears started to fall. I threw my arms around him, put my head on his shoulder and cried. I cried for the dreams that we had that will never come true. For the children that we will never have, for the days I’ll wake up without him by my side. I cried knowing that no matter what happens in my life, no one in the world can take Talals place, he was my everything.